


The Cost of Honor

by KnightandBeauty



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon - Book, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Not Really Character Death, Post - A Dance With Dragons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-16 02:42:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20168713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightandBeauty/pseuds/KnightandBeauty
Summary: He had saved her from the Bloody Mummers, from a bear, but in the end, he failed to save her from his own foolishness.Jaime faces one of his deepest fears, and handles it about as well as you'd expect. After the nightmare has passed, he makes a vow.





	The Cost of Honor

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Oathsexftw on Tumblr for the prompt!   
I added a happy ending because I couldn't deal with it otherwise.
> 
> Its working title was "Super sad, just a bad time overall." but it's a bit of a mouthful. The ending balances it out anyway.
> 
> I cried when writing this, so just be warned. Enjoy!

It was supposed to be a normal patrol. Simple enough, they had done the same task for weeks, he had no reason to be wary. He had been bored only moments before, staring off into the trees alongside their path, his mind wandering lazily. He stopped his horse when he realized his party had done the same. They all looked to a tree just ahead of them.

At first, he didn’t know what he was looking at. They had come across hanging bodies in these woods before and finding another was mundane at this point. They had heard only vague rumors of the group responsible, and no Lannister troops had gone missing, so at least in the meantime, they didn’t pose an immediate threat.

Jaime didn’t understand why his men had suddenly all turned to look at him, as if they were waiting for his reaction. He looked closer at the hanging body, and the sign hanging from their neck. It read _Kingslayer’s Whore. _It took him a moment longer for his eyes to understand. _It couldn’t be her. Oh gods._

It was. There was a bandage covering half of her face, but there was no mistaking the tall strong frame, and the straw-colored shoulder length hair. His heart stopped.

He wanted nothing more than to turn around and pretend that he hadn’t seen. Pretend that it was someone else and that Brienne was still out there living, fighting and breathing. But his eyes refused to give him any relief, he was transfixed in shock and horror.

His men didn’t seem to know what to do and were waiting for him to give some sort of order. He just wished they would leave. But then he remembered he could make that happen, all he had to do was speak. Although he didn’t trust his voice, he tried anyway.

“Cut her down and leave me.” He managed to choke out, his voice slightly higher pitched than normal. If his group had any objections, they wisely kept their mouths shut. He found that he could finally turn away and he shut his eyes tight. He shuddered violently as if struck when he heard her hit the ground.

After what seemed like an eternity, he heard his men turning around and leaving, and it was the only miniscule relief that this moment provided. He briefly wondered what they must be thinking, or what they would say about him on the way back to camp. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters. Brienne was gone. His big brave stubborn wench was gone.

_Gods no. This can’t be real. Please **no**. _Jaime’s knees hit the ground of their own accord. His forearms quickly followed, and he landed with his face inches from the mud below him. He didn’t know when the tears began to fall, but he wasn’t sure if they’d ever stop. He could not find the strength to lift his head to confirm what he had already seen but refused to believe. He didn’t need to; the image had already been burned into his mind for eternity. Even with his eyes still shut tight he saw her hanging lifeless, and the sign they put around her neck. _Kingslayer’s Whore. _It took him ages to process what the sign meant.

It was his fault. She had been killed because of... they thought she was..._How long has she been here? _How many people had passed and simply continued on their way, unaware of the brilliant light that the world had lost?

_Who did this? What else had been done to her?_

It felt as though his mind was being blown apart. His heart was beating out of control, and he struggled to breath. Guilt overtook any coherent thought and ripped through him like physical pain. He had sent her on a quest for his cursed honor. Only now did he realize how selfish that had been, now he understood the cost. Had he known that it was a choice between his honor and Brienne...

He should never have sent her away without help. Without _him_. He could’ve prevented this, and he knew that fact would haunt him for the rest of his days. He had saved her from the Bloody Mummers, from a bear, but in the end, he failed to save her from his own foolishness. As tough as she was, he still sent a young girl out into this mess, and she had died alone and scared, surrounded by enemies. He had been careless, and it was too late. He as good as killed her.

He knew Brienne and knew how seriously she took her oaths. In her final moments, she most likely convinced herself that somehow _she _had failed _him_. His grief seemed to double. _It’s not true wench, it was I who failed you._

The sorrow tearing him asunder was so painful that he grew dizzy.She would never scowl at him for calling her “wench” ever again. She would never pierce him with her words unintentionally again, the way no one else could. A blush would never grace her cheeks again. Her beautiful eyes would look and truly see him no more, and he was the reason why. He had prayed to the Father for her safety, but by that point, Jaime had already sent her to her doom.

_Brienne. My Brienne. Please forgive me. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Brienne, please._

* * *

“Jaime? Jaime, wake up. I’m okay, I’m right here.”

He woke with a start, his heart threatening to leap from his chest_. _It took him a moment to understand where he was. He was still in a forest, but it was night. He was laying on his bedroll beside the fire, although his bedroll was almost entirely out from under him. A strong but gentle arm was wrapped around his waist, and a hand was softly combing through his hair. Brienne’s bedroll had been situated right next to his (by his request, he remembered) and he thanked the gods for it. He leaned into her touch, his heart calming slowly. The nightmare was over, but it still rippled through his mind mercilessly. He needed to be sure.

He flipped himself over onto his side to get a look in her eyes. There they were, looking right back at him with tenderness and concern, and slight surprise at his sudden closeness to her face. Relief crashed through him as it never had before. _She’s alive. She’s safe. _He could breathe. It must have shown all over his face, because she gave him a warm smile, and with that he was lost, tears forming anew in his eyes. He tried to explain before the worst of it.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I just... you were... it was my fault you-” was all he managed before he paused and broke, crumpling against her, a nearly inaudible sob escaping him. Brienne wrapped both arms around him this time, pulling him close, his head resting against her chest. She planted a kiss on the top of his head and began gently rubbing his back. He was surprised at the sudden show of affection but said nothing in the hopes that she’d kiss him again.

“It’s alright. None of that was real.”

That wasn’t the whole truth, he knew.

“Some of it was,” Jaime said lifting his head enough to see the marks the rope had left around Brienne’s neck. His trembling hand reached up and found them, tracing along them lightly. He had been so close to losing her, and he hadn’t even known. Each scar she wore from her time away from him felt like another one of his failures. His eyes found the large scar on her cheek. He tried to keep his breathing steady, but the reminder that a man- that a monster had been able to even _touch _her drove Jaime mad. She had endured so much pain that she never deserved. She was scarred inside and out because of his mistakes.

“I’m not letting anyone harm you again, wench.” He whispered gravely, his eyes never leaving her face.

“Jaime...”

“I _mean _it. Look at me.”

She had been staring at a spot far behind him, but she reluctantly looked down at him.

“I know you can defend yourself. I of all people know what you are capable of. But we both know that you are willing to get hurt or die if that’s the bloody honorable thing to do.” His tone was fierce, and his hand gripped her shoulder firmly. “But you are **not **dying, Brienne. I won’t let you. I swear it.”

She looked defiant, but he gave her a sharp look to show just how seriously he was taking this. She looked as though she’d like to bring up just how well swearing and keeping vows had gone for them recently, but finally breathed a resigned sigh. “I believe you.”

“Even if you didn’t, it wouldn’t stop me. I’m afraid you won’t be rid of me, wench,” he smirked slightly, some of his normal snark returning to him. “Because I’m not going anywhere without you.” An impulse came over him that he tried to refuse, but he couldn’t stop himself. His hand left her shoulder and found the nape of her neck, gently pulling her downward so his lips could meet hers. It was brief, but Jaime tried to put all the things he felt for her into it, another vow.

“Alright?” he asked with his mouth not even an inch from hers. He pulled away and looked into her stunned eyes. She certainly hadn’t been expecting it, but she didn’t look displeased either. Even in the dim light of the flickering embers, he could see a blush creeping up into her cheeks.

“Alright.” She said so quietly that he momentarily thought he imagined it. She looked away from him. Minutes later, when she thought he was no longer looking, the smallest of smiles reached her face, and that meant more to him than any word or vow ever could.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't @ me for keeping it vague, I'm just here for the fluff and angst, folks. hope you enjoyed!


End file.
